When It’s Both: The Confusion of Surviving Trauma That Comes in Cycles

Understanding trauma bonds, mixed memories, and why it’s okay to stop pretending it was all okay

One of the hardest truths I’ve learned while healing from trauma is this:
Pain doesn’t always look like pain. And abuse doesn’t always look like evil.

Sometimes the same person or place that hurt you is also where you laughed the hardest. Sometimes the most toxic relationships are laced with your most beautiful memories. And sometimes the places that broke you open also offered temporary relief that made you second-guess your own suffering.

But here’s what I want you to know:
Just because something wasn’t all bad doesn’t mean it wasn’t deeply harmful.
And just because you remember some good moments doesn’t mean the bad ones didn’t matter.

💥 Trauma Isn’t Linear. Neither Is Abuse.

Abuse isn’t always constant yelling, or bruises, or slammed doors. Sometimes it’s wrapped in apologies, compliments, flowers, or road trips.

You can survive a violent argument one day and be love-bombed the next. You can have someone scream at you, threaten you, manipulate you—and then bring you coffee, kiss your forehead, and talk about the future like nothing ever happened.

That’s what confuses us. That’s what keeps us stuck.

We don’t forget what happened — we remember everything. But over time, what we start to question is ourselves.

Was it really abuse?
Did I make it worse?
Maybe I’m the one who’s crazy?
Maybe I deserved it?

This is how trauma warps our sense of reality — especially when no one else seems to believe us.

🧠 The Science Behind the Confusion: Trauma, ACEs, and Your Nervous System

When your body lives in a high-stress environment, it adapts. According to research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and trauma’s long-term effects, the nervous system becomes hardwired for survival — not safety.

Your brain begins to release cortisol and adrenaline even in neutral moments because it’s waiting for danger to return. This is what neuroscientists call hypervigilance — and it's why even during moments of calm, your body may still feel tense, alert, or anxious.

Worse, these on-off cycles of harm and comfort can create something called a trauma bond — a deep emotional attachment that keeps you loyal to the very person or system that’s hurting you. It’s a chemical rollercoaster. And it’s not your fault.

You didn’t imagine it.
You didn’t exaggerate it.
You’re not broken.
You’re surviving something most people can’t see.

🌿 Why It’s Okay to Name What Happened

If you’ve ever been gaslit by the people around you — or by the world — into believing you were too sensitive or making things up, I want to remind you of this:

You don’t have to lie to yourself to make others comfortable.

You don’t have to ignore your intuition, minimize your pain, or rewrite your story just because someone else refuses to accept it.

Even when they bring gifts.
Even when they post sweet pictures.
Even when they act like saints to the outside world.

Or even when they try to play victim to the outside world.

It’s still okay to name what happened.
It’s still okay to feel anger.
It’s still okay to grieve the good parts, even while walking away from the whole.

✨ Healing Doesn’t Mean Pretending It Was All Okay

Healing isn’t about making excuses for the people who hurt you.
It’s about giving yourself permission to stop carrying their shame.

You don’t need to pretend it was all bad. But you also don’t need to pretend it wasn’t.

You are allowed to hold the paradox:

  • That you loved parts of it.

  • That you miss parts of them.

  • That you still feel confused.

  • That your body still reacts — even now.

🔄 Reflective Practice: Untangling the Truth from the Confusion

If you’ve been stuck in the cycle of “maybe I was the problem,” try this journaling activity:

☁️ JOURNAL PROMPTS

  1. What specific moments made me feel unsafe, unheard, or unseen?

  2. What were the moments that made me stay? What feelings did they give me?

  3. What did I start questioning about myself in that relationship/system?

  4. What do I know to be true — even if no one else validated it?

  5. What part of me is still seeking closure, clarity, or comfort?

Let these questions guide your truth back to you.

🔁 Weekly Challenge: Begin Reclaiming Your Inner Compass

This week, try one of these actions:

  1. Unfollow or mute someone who makes you question your reality.

  2. Write a letter (you don’t have to send it) to the version of you who stayed — with compassion, not shame.

  3. Practice saying one honest sentence out loud about your story, even if it’s just to yourself.

  4. Spend 5 minutes each morning checking in with your nervous system (body scan, breathwork, or gentle movement).

  5. Create a mantra that reminds you of your truth when the world makes you question it (e.g., “My story matters. I know what I lived through. I don’t need anyone else’s permission to heal.”)

💌 A Final Word

You are not dramatic.
You are not delusional.
You are not weak for still feeling it.

The world may never understand the full depth of what you lived through — but that doesn’t make it any less real.

You don’t need their validation.
You only need your own.

Your body remembers.
Your truth matters.
And you’re not alone anymore.

🛍️ Tools to Support Your Healing Rituals

Creating space to feel, reflect, and release is a powerful act of self-love. These are a few of my favorite tools that help turn journaling into a soothing ritual, not just a habit:

🌿 Featured Healing Tools from This Week’s Sanctuary Spotlight

Because your healing deserves beautiful tools, gentle support, and sacred space to bloom.

🩷 Affiliate note: This post may contain affiliate links. I may earn a small commission if you make a purchase — thank you for supporting this soft, survivor-led space.

🖋️ 2. Modern Script Fountain Pen & Journal Set

Write your truth in style. This elegant 4-piece set includes three metallic fountain pens (Gold, Rose Gold, Silver) and a shimmering ombré journal — perfect for affirmations, poetry, or processing.

🌸 1. Build Your Own Journal Kit
Design a journal that evolves with you. Choose your cover, select your pages, and customize it to mirror your own rhythm and rituals.
🛒

🌈 3. Creative Journaling & Marker Set

Turn your journal into a canvas for healing. This vibrant set pairs Sarasa Clip gel pens with Mildliner Creative Markers — perfect for mood tracking, creative prompts, or visual journaling.
🎨

🧘‍♀️ 4. Calm Organic CBD Gummies – Aspen Green

Healing includes your nervous system, too.
These USDA Organic, lemon-flavored CBD gummies are crafted with care to support your sense of calm and help you wind down naturally. 🌿

✔️ Vegan | Gluten-Free | Non-GMO

🌿 CBD Disclaimer

The information provided on this site is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. The CBD products mentioned are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

Please consult with a qualified healthcare provider before starting any new supplement or wellness routine, especially if you are pregnant, nursing, have a medical condition, or are taking medications.

These products are intended for adults 18 and over and should be kept out of reach of children. Always follow the usage guidelines provided by the manufacturer.

The Strawberry Sanctuary may earn a small commission through affiliate links, at no additional cost to you. Thank you for supporting this soft, sacred, survivor-led space.

🩷 Affiliate note: This post may contain affiliate links. I may earn a small commission if you make a purchase — thank you for supporting this soft, survivor-led space.

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🌿 When Healing Feels Selfish